Whether you are a parent, or a sibling, or a friend; if you have journeyed along side someone who is struggling with their health or the health of their child, you know how hard that process can be. Often times there are more and more questions before the person ever get answers, and in many cases by the time the answers do come they are discouraging.
There are not many scenarios that begin with frustration and helplessness that end with the words, “I’m so glad you stopped by….this is the super simple thing you are facing, here is your magical pill, and take heart this is going to be completely cured.” There’s a tiny part of us that wishes for that….I know I did.
The entire process of forging through a medical exploration is exhausting, and the unknowns are just the worst. Then there comes a moment when doctors offer diagnostic possibles, and you are in turn forced to live and breath the viability of those potential diagnosis even before they are actually confirmed.
You fast forward your whole life by picturing all that such a medical implication might mean to your entire family. Our minds work in such a way that we live out potentiality in an effort to process and ultimately accept hard truths. We like things that come to come to us in palatable bite sizes.
My own family has been on a journey this year. Concerns about our son’s health lead to some medical due diligence this fall. Due diligence; however, quickly turned to more expansive exploration, and then ultimately to actual concern. The world of specialists is challenging, and those who have walked the path themselves can attest to this fact. The only word I can use to describe it…is draining.
Some specialists by the very nature of their profession have to deal with a lot of tears. Simply by walking through the door of a neurologist’s office your heart breaks a little as a parent. Not unlike a woman hearing the words “there is a lump” or a man hearing “there is a blockage.” Those simple words send your life spiraling down a very unexpected series of rabbit holes.
The reality is this….sometimes life is not fair. Sometimes life deals those we love very hard and unexpected blows.
This is what I will tell those of you on the outside looking in to these moments your family to friends may be navigating…..don’t worry about the right words. Big upsets don’t have simple solutions, and your dear one does not need suggestions of more things to try and stress over….they need your ear.
Everything you are thinking….they’ve thought of it, and so many other scenarios it would boggle your mind. There soul is exhausted….and recommendations for other doctors or paths if they have not asked for them specifically are simply one more “to do” that the well-meaning add to their already overflowing emotional checklist from hell.
They only need you to listen, to let them voice hard and ugly fears without judgment. Thats harder to do than you might realized because it is in our nature to try and offer advice. What a grieving person needs you to simply say is “I’m so sorry this is happening. It’s just awful.”
To those who are personally navigating these kinds of journeys right now, I am here to tell you that it’s acceptable for you to have moments where you jump up and down and yell. It’s acceptable for you to be in a terrible mood rather than relieved after you hear the words “everything looks normal” because you know “normal” left the room months ago. It’s acceptable for you to be discouraged, and yet still embrace laughter in the same day. Grief is not a state its a spirit….and like a Dicken’s ghost it visits you at the strangest of times.
Here’s the deal…you aren’t fine…..but you can embrace moments, and still press into your life. Maybe not on the days you have the actual doctor’s appointment…..those days are filled with too many emotions, and you get a pass to feel whatever you need to feel. You don’t have to be worry free, or zen centric, or perspective driven…..on those day you can be as punchy, upset, and disappointed as you want. I am writing you a permission slip to do what you need to do to simply survive those days.
Then…..and I need you to hear me…..then you need to wake up the next day, and stand up. You need to walk back into the sunshine. You need to remember you are seeking and a seeker is stronger than the warrior because they run into the darkness and face the unknown. The search for answers may very well bring you to the brink of yourself….and it will change you….but it does not get the right to defeat you.
Motherhood lived in technicolor reminds us that one day you will look behind you to find another person who is navigating a journey very similar to the one you once walked, and in that moment your life takes on new clarity.
When you are able to knowingly lean into another persons pain, your burden turns into a blessing. It wasn’t all for nothing you will hear yourself say…it was for this moment, because it changed who you were as a person. The pain will evolve on that day, and you will find a bit of healing.
Summer Smith is a speaker, writer, and motherhood blogger. She and her family are currently navigating the suburbs of Northern Virginia. As the mother to four young children, Summer maintains her sanity thanks to her sense of humor, copious amounts of coffee, and Amazon Prime. Maya Angelou once said, when reflecting on her childhood, that her mother left an impression like technicolor stars in the midnight sky. Influenced by these words, Summer blogs at her website Motherhood in Technicolor, and can also be found on her Motherhood in Technicolor Facebook page.