Fun fact: Cheetahs are reported to run anywhere from 68-75 mph. Why is that relevant? Well when I dressed myself that day for my Pilates class it was more interesting that essential. I had selected a pair of arguably spicy cheetah print leggings….and then proceeded to move into my “let’s get the Boy (age 9) and the Blonde (age 7) out the door to school” morning routine. It’s the same routine we’ve done ALL school year.
We pulled up to the bus stop, as the Blonde and asked, “did you put my books into my back pack?”
“What books? Are they library ones?” I replied. Certainly with the end of the year approaching things were due and needed to be returned to the library.
“No, the books I got from my teacher. I just want to read them on the bus ride.” She replied. I could see it then she was clearly turning an emotional corner.
“Well those are on the counter because this is the first day you have ever mentioned reading on the bus. Let’s not act like I forgot something….you have literally never had this as part of our routine all year. It’s too late now. You can read them tomorrow.” I stated my eyes narrowing.
The emotional turn was hitting a hard left and I could see it in her body language, but I was going to hold strong. There had been a handful of what I will call ’emotional-spiral-hostage’ moments that both she and her younger sister the Brunette (age 6) had been pulling this month. I was not loving the trend.
For those with elementary aged girls, you know these episodes are exhausting, and having to be the one to draw a line, and not cave to a pre-pre-hormonal child is a small exercise in your own emotional stamina….which has limits.
I am not a moody person. As a woman I’m a happy, fun, flirty person. As a mother I’m a calm organized and disciplined person. I avoid scenarios with all my auto immune health issues that cause my body to enter flight or fight…..because I will fight…oh my I will…every time. I don’t love that version of me with my children when they push me to that edge. It makes me sad, but it happens.
The Blonde began to crumble before my very eyes, and became a blubbering mess.
“Fine. I’ll run back and get them but if I don’t make it back in time you need to let it go for today. Do you hear me?” I told her calmly.
“Oooookkkaaayyyy” she replied blubbered through her tears.
I raced home, and then back which is around a 1/3 of a mile each way. I was nearly back to the bus when I saw her. She was in full meltdown, being escorted by a neighbor mom that I don’t know super well. I knew what had happened. She had refused to get on the bus……which was now gone I might add and the mother was walking her back.
***PAUSE FOR IT*** This is the portion of the story where your mother heroine is NOT going to look great.
No I mean it…..if you want to preserve your “I think she’s happy all the time no matter her circumstances” impression of me…..STOP READING right now because I’m about to lose my BUSINESS.
This was a straw that broke the camels back moment. It happens to us all of us in motherhood…..its that moment when we get pushed too far… and snap.
I pulled up. I got out of the car. My eyes were intense. My voice firm but low, “GET…..IN….THE…..CAR!” I commanded my pointer finger at full point. All six feet of my hot focused mom energy was channeled directly towards my first grader.
I threw open the door as she climbed in, and then I SLAMMED the SUV door behind me. Slammed it.
Turning my back on the vehicle in an attempt to gather myself. I closed my eyes and held my breath briefly. It was then I actually jumped up and down three times…..in a not at all sexy personal rage fit….only to hear one of my other neighbors yell “Your car!!!!! It’s moving!!”
SON OF A…….I forgot to put it into park! And I was on a slight hill…..so my Land Cruiser in all its tons of weight was now rolling, and picking up speed, down a decline…..with my child in the moving vehicle!!
FRIENDS…..all that upset switched in a heart beat and I was full momma cheetah mode. I started to run. I channeled the wind of a safari cat and I built speed. Jumping into the running board of my vehicle, I clawed to pull open the door….missing a firm grasp on the handle I broke a nail. I yelled as I grabbed at the handle again. Catching it I threw open the door!
Pulling myself inside, I threw the car into park. My adrenaline was sky rocketing. Emotionally I couldn’t move. I had to get back out of the car, and pace before we could drive back to the house. Simultaneously I was also thinking about the texts of apology I needed to write to the two neighbors who lay witness to my entire spiral having no understanding of the events of the morning or the proceeding week.
I think if there was any illusion that I’m happy all the time…well I put that to bed rather soundly when I had to go full America Ninja Warrior at 7 bloody am in the morning because I was too upset to remember a pesky detail….like oh I don’t know….putting my car into park.
I’m fine……it’s all fine.
Guess who’s going to have to pull out her adult coloring book this afternoon to force herself into a ridiculous, absurd, and yet strangely necessary forced calming activity that I’ve started doing after turning 40. That would be me. Im talking about me.
Know this…..mom feeling like you are on the brink of end of school year implosion…..I see you and I am here to tell you…..you are doing just fine, you are not alone, and you will make it!
Also if you thought “momma bear” was a psychological thing….you’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a woman go full “momma cheetah.” I must say my cheetah leggings have never been as on point as they were today. It’s also debatable my Pilates class was completely unnecessary after all that running.
Summer Smith is a speaker, writer, and motherhood blogger. She and her family are currently navigating the suburbs of Northern Virginia. As the mother to four young children, Summer maintains her sanity thanks to her sense of humor, copious amounts of coffee, and Amazon Prime. Maya Angelou once said, when reflecting on her childhood, that her mother left an impression like technicolor stars in the midnight sky. Influenced by these words, Summer blogs at her website Motherhood in Technicolor, and can also be found on her Motherhood in Technicolor Facebook page.